Jesus comfort my soul

Sometimes I question who I really am. But maybe I have it all backwards. Maybe I should have been questioning and sizing up others all along, questioning their intentions and what makes them who they really are. I've always thought that  I was great at understanding people. Maybe I've just fabricated false perceptions. I try to be so positive. I try to see the good in people. I bet the opposite is true for a lot of people. People that've been hurt want to size up others and decide if this new person could hurt them like the one before.

I don't want to become a cynic. I know I'm very vulnerable and that I open up to others. I truly believe in being authentic and truthful at all costs. It's a great, liberating feeling not having to hide who I am and what I do, not having to lie. I've done those things before, and it's not the lifestyle for me. It's a miserable feeling, no matter if you're hiding something good or not, or if your lying seems right or not (it never is).

I think it's possible for me to see the brokenness in others and still not cast them aside or hate them. Jesus didn't. I'm not Jesus, but I can try to do the same.

This life is so full of pain. Distrusting people and pushing them away is no solution to any problem. Although, sometimes I really want to go that direction. What scares me is that it is not possible to truly love others and not open up yourself to pain. It's a beautiful thing until the pain comes. But then what? How do I not shut down and close myself off when my vulnerability seemingly backfires? Sometimes I don't know the answer to that. How do I keep from becoming bitter when others hurt me for no apparent reason? Sometimes I don't know the answer to that either.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm not a bitter cynic who has given up on others when they've failed me so many times.

I'm trying to think of a proper answer and Charlie Hall's song "Mystery" has the only words that make sense to me right now. Jesus is my sanity and clarity. That's it.
The only reason I stay sane, the only reason my life has any clarity is because of Jesus. Nothing else resonates with my soul. Nothing.

Kicking (my) selfishness to the curb

Us humans are selfish creatures, of which I am the foremost. We put ourselves first and then others. It makes sense though. Right? Look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. Me first and then maybe I'll have time to care for others. When we actually do want to care for others, we only do so if it's convenient. Moreover, we seem to only do it when we feel that we will GET something out of it. We've engrained this idea of give and receive into our minds. But caring for someone, loving someone, doesn't mean they are obligated to reciprocate it. That would be ideal, but it's definitely not always the case.

It seems like I always read things that say stuff like "if they don't have time for me, then I don't have time for them" or "cut off the people in your life that aren't doing anything for you." I'm not so sure that we understand what these things mean, or what they truly say about ourselves. Yes, get out of unhealthy and abusive relationships. But don't jump ship when things get difficult. Don't give up on people just because they don't meet your expectations or the arbitrary standards you've made up for them.

Last night, I watched a movie that I think could deter anyone from being a liar. In the movie, the guy's lies catch up to him and ultimately destroy the life he knew. I think a lot of us are relatively honest with others, especially when it is convenient and beneficial to ourselves. What's scary is that I think a lot of us aren't truly honest with ourselves. We try to be "strong people" by telling ourselves that we don't need each other. That's a lie. We need each other. Life can't be sustained by oneself. No one is self sufficient. Instead of pushing people away when things get tough (something we ALL do), we have to work through the dirt and the grime. Relationships are clearly more valuable and meaningful to us when we do that. Value and effort are beautifully intertwined. Like I've said repeatedly: "great things are costly." They cost time and energy.

I think it's possible that we are so caught up in ourselves (especially me) that we don't have an inkling about how much we mean to each other. What a paradox.

I vow to put every effort into the meaningful relationships in my life. I vow to not give up on the people I love even when things get difficult, even when they don't love me back. I vow to put every effort into putting others first. This especially includes understanding their situation and feelings, instead of primarily thinking about my own. I will falter at times, but I will fight for the ones I love.

How dialogue begins: a deeper issue

I'm progressively becoming more bored of social media. It's all clickbait, ads, and countless posts and reposts of the same content. I think it's a testament; social media will never replace quality time with friends and family. As I've talked about before, I'm huge on community and seeing and having meaning and purpose in everything. The value of these things are lost in our simultaneous connection to social media and disconnection from our social environments. There have been videos that have gone viral telling viewers to reconnect with those around them. I believe that these videos have been largely unsuccessful. We like to herald on social media that we all need to start dialogues on certain hot button issues. This isn't happening. The only talk that I've heard has been heated and volatile, and mostly over the internet. Unhealthy conversation like I've seen and heard (on the internet and, more importantly, in person) is only furthering the 'us' and 'them' mentality that currently owns our culture. Progress will be seen when neighbors (yeah, the people that live next to you) become more than acquaintances, when Facebook friends become more than part-time friends, and (more seriously) when our time with the people we claim to love becomes more valuable than our own time (which often consists of social media and electronic communication). So, before we even start these "hot button issue dialogues", we need to start investing time in those around us. This has to be accomplished face-to-face in the same place, not cyberspace (pretty good rhyme, huh?). This especially includes time with those that we claim to love, but do a terrible job at showing love toward.

Snape's Anguish

The anguish Snape felt had to have been unbearable. The woman he loved went on to marry someone that he thought wasn't good enough for her, someone that took the place where he should've been. When she was killed, the thoughts started that would haunt him for the rest of his life: "I could've protected her",  "if only I had been there", "If only she had chosen me." He dedicated his life to her and her memory after her death. He was constantly reminded of her choosing James over himself by looking and hearing about Harry every day for the rest of his life. His anger and frustration was hard for him to hide at times because of the constant pain. Even after decades and many years after her death, the mere thought of her is the single thing that brought him any sort of happiness. Oh the pain of imagining "what could have been" for a lifetime! To see her eyes in Harry must have been cruel bliss as he took his final breath. He saw Harry's eyes look at him saying "I was wrong about you all along. I'm sorry things weren't different between us. If I could go back, things would be different." He must have imagined her looking at him like that-- a look he had desired his entire life. And yet, it was a look that came too late and wasn't truly hers.

Drawn in

Looking out to the horizon
I see light bursting forth,
beauty slowly revealing
everything in sight.
I didn't realize how dark it was before.
I can feel the warmth drawing me in.
Radiance I've never felt
dances before my eyes,
soothing this aching heart.
The dawning to new days
has never been so brilliant.

What's more fulfilling?

Why do we fill up our time with so many frivolous, meaningless things?  We allot so much time to things that are fleeting and so little to the enduring things that demand the most.  And yet, many are upset when things don't work out the way they want, when they knowingly put so little effort into them.  I can be called many things, but apathetic isn't one of them.  I know I'm passionate and that translates directly into the things I care about.  I try to cut out as much of the meaningless crap as possible in order to get down to the core.  The things I care most passionately and deeply about deserve and demand my time and effort.  I refuse to live a life where I sit back and watch the things I love slip right through my fingertips.  I'll resist indifference with everything that I am.  Giving in or giving up are never options for things that you love.  I'll pour myself out over and over into what I love until the day I die.  I'll die with as few "what-ifs" and regrets as possible because I'll continue to live with passion and purpose.

Meet Michael

These are the things that seem to consistently describe me and my philosophy. They are reciprocal and tie beautifully together.

These are in no particular order.

"Everyone has purpose and meaning."
It is my calling to show people this, that they have value.

"Authenticity and truth at all costs."
This is how I strive to live. For me, there is no other way. Living otherwise is not fulfilling and is a waste of time.

"Community."
I desire to build community. I believe that our culture has little sense of what real community is or what it looks like. I want to see this beautiful change and see how people's lives change for the better.

"Great things are costly."
Pursue the things that are worth something to you. If it's not worth the effort, then it's not worth much to you.

"Commitment and faithfulness."
This is the simplest way I can describe love. If I'm committed and faithful to anyone or anything, then it's safe to say I love that person or thing in some way. Affections may lie dormant at times, but commitment and faithfulness live on, as does love.