Jesus comfort my soul

Sometimes I question who I really am. But maybe I have it all backwards. Maybe I should have been questioning and sizing up others all along, questioning their intentions and what makes them who they really are. I've always thought that  I was great at understanding people. Maybe I've just fabricated false perceptions. I try to be so positive. I try to see the good in people. I bet the opposite is true for a lot of people. People that've been hurt want to size up others and decide if this new person could hurt them like the one before.

I don't want to become a cynic. I know I'm very vulnerable and that I open up to others. I truly believe in being authentic and truthful at all costs. It's a great, liberating feeling not having to hide who I am and what I do, not having to lie. I've done those things before, and it's not the lifestyle for me. It's a miserable feeling, no matter if you're hiding something good or not, or if your lying seems right or not (it never is).

I think it's possible for me to see the brokenness in others and still not cast them aside or hate them. Jesus didn't. I'm not Jesus, but I can try to do the same.

This life is so full of pain. Distrusting people and pushing them away is no solution to any problem. Although, sometimes I really want to go that direction. What scares me is that it is not possible to truly love others and not open up yourself to pain. It's a beautiful thing until the pain comes. But then what? How do I not shut down and close myself off when my vulnerability seemingly backfires? Sometimes I don't know the answer to that. How do I keep from becoming bitter when others hurt me for no apparent reason? Sometimes I don't know the answer to that either.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm not a bitter cynic who has given up on others when they've failed me so many times.

I'm trying to think of a proper answer and Charlie Hall's song "Mystery" has the only words that make sense to me right now. Jesus is my sanity and clarity. That's it.
The only reason I stay sane, the only reason my life has any clarity is because of Jesus. Nothing else resonates with my soul. Nothing.

Kicking (my) selfishness to the curb

Us humans are selfish creatures, of which I am the foremost. We put ourselves first and then others. It makes sense though. Right? Look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. Me first and then maybe I'll have time to care for others. When we actually do want to care for others, we only do so if it's convenient. Moreover, we seem to only do it when we feel that we will GET something out of it. We've engrained this idea of give and receive into our minds. But caring for someone, loving someone, doesn't mean they are obligated to reciprocate it. That would be ideal, but it's definitely not always the case.

It seems like I always read things that say stuff like "if they don't have time for me, then I don't have time for them" or "cut off the people in your life that aren't doing anything for you." I'm not so sure that we understand what these things mean, or what they truly say about ourselves. Yes, get out of unhealthy and abusive relationships. But don't jump ship when things get difficult. Don't give up on people just because they don't meet your expectations or the arbitrary standards you've made up for them.

Last night, I watched a movie that I think could deter anyone from being a liar. In the movie, the guy's lies catch up to him and ultimately destroy the life he knew. I think a lot of us are relatively honest with others, especially when it is convenient and beneficial to ourselves. What's scary is that I think a lot of us aren't truly honest with ourselves. We try to be "strong people" by telling ourselves that we don't need each other. That's a lie. We need each other. Life can't be sustained by oneself. No one is self sufficient. Instead of pushing people away when things get tough (something we ALL do), we have to work through the dirt and the grime. Relationships are clearly more valuable and meaningful to us when we do that. Value and effort are beautifully intertwined. Like I've said repeatedly: "great things are costly." They cost time and energy.

I think it's possible that we are so caught up in ourselves (especially me) that we don't have an inkling about how much we mean to each other. What a paradox.

I vow to put every effort into the meaningful relationships in my life. I vow to not give up on the people I love even when things get difficult, even when they don't love me back. I vow to put every effort into putting others first. This especially includes understanding their situation and feelings, instead of primarily thinking about my own. I will falter at times, but I will fight for the ones I love.

How dialogue begins: a deeper issue

I'm progressively becoming more bored of social media. It's all clickbait, ads, and countless posts and reposts of the same content. I think it's a testament; social media will never replace quality time with friends and family. As I've talked about before, I'm huge on community and seeing and having meaning and purpose in everything. The value of these things are lost in our simultaneous connection to social media and disconnection from our social environments. There have been videos that have gone viral telling viewers to reconnect with those around them. I believe that these videos have been largely unsuccessful. We like to herald on social media that we all need to start dialogues on certain hot button issues. This isn't happening. The only talk that I've heard has been heated and volatile, and mostly over the internet. Unhealthy conversation like I've seen and heard (on the internet and, more importantly, in person) is only furthering the 'us' and 'them' mentality that currently owns our culture. Progress will be seen when neighbors (yeah, the people that live next to you) become more than acquaintances, when Facebook friends become more than part-time friends, and (more seriously) when our time with the people we claim to love becomes more valuable than our own time (which often consists of social media and electronic communication). So, before we even start these "hot button issue dialogues", we need to start investing time in those around us. This has to be accomplished face-to-face in the same place, not cyberspace (pretty good rhyme, huh?). This especially includes time with those that we claim to love, but do a terrible job at showing love toward.

Snape's Anguish

The anguish Snape felt had to have been unbearable. The woman he loved went on to marry someone that he thought wasn't good enough for her, someone that took the place where he should've been. When she was killed, the thoughts started that would haunt him for the rest of his life: "I could've protected her",  "if only I had been there", "If only she had chosen me." He dedicated his life to her and her memory after her death. He was constantly reminded of her choosing James over himself by looking and hearing about Harry every day for the rest of his life. His anger and frustration was hard for him to hide at times because of the constant pain. Even after decades and many years after her death, the mere thought of her is the single thing that brought him any sort of happiness. Oh the pain of imagining "what could have been" for a lifetime! To see her eyes in Harry must have been cruel bliss as he took his final breath. He saw Harry's eyes look at him saying "I was wrong about you all along. I'm sorry things weren't different between us. If I could go back, things would be different." He must have imagined her looking at him like that-- a look he had desired his entire life. And yet, it was a look that came too late and wasn't truly hers.

Drawn in

Looking out to the horizon
I see light bursting forth,
beauty slowly revealing
everything in sight.
I didn't realize how dark it was before.
I can feel the warmth drawing me in.
Radiance I've never felt
dances before my eyes,
soothing this aching heart.
The dawning to new days
has never been so brilliant.

What's more fulfilling?

Why do we fill up our time with so many frivolous, meaningless things?  We allot so much time to things that are fleeting and so little to the enduring things that demand the most.  And yet, many are upset when things don't work out the way they want, when they knowingly put so little effort into them.  I can be called many things, but apathetic isn't one of them.  I know I'm passionate and that translates directly into the things I care about.  I try to cut out as much of the meaningless crap as possible in order to get down to the core.  The things I care most passionately and deeply about deserve and demand my time and effort.  I refuse to live a life where I sit back and watch the things I love slip right through my fingertips.  I'll resist indifference with everything that I am.  Giving in or giving up are never options for things that you love.  I'll pour myself out over and over into what I love until the day I die.  I'll die with as few "what-ifs" and regrets as possible because I'll continue to live with passion and purpose.

Meet Michael

These are the things that seem to consistently describe me and my philosophy. They are reciprocal and tie beautifully together.

These are in no particular order.

"Everyone has purpose and meaning."
It is my calling to show people this, that they have value.

"Authenticity and truth at all costs."
This is how I strive to live. For me, there is no other way. Living otherwise is not fulfilling and is a waste of time.

"Community."
I desire to build community. I believe that our culture has little sense of what real community is or what it looks like. I want to see this beautiful change and see how people's lives change for the better.

"Great things are costly."
Pursue the things that are worth something to you. If it's not worth the effort, then it's not worth much to you.

"Commitment and faithfulness."
This is the simplest way I can describe love. If I'm committed and faithful to anyone or anything, then it's safe to say I love that person or thing in some way. Affections may lie dormant at times, but commitment and faithfulness live on, as does love.

No more fears, only hope

We all have these fears.  Deep, dark, unsettling fears.  We push them back, so they are out of sight.  But there they stay in the back of our minds.  We ignore them, as if they don't exist.  And yet, they remain.  Sometimes these fears keep us up at night.  We refuse to address them.  We refuse to talk about them because we fear the response as well.
We care deeply about these issues, but why do we continue on as if we don't?  Why do we keep what holds us down?
We hate vulnerability.  We hate being uncomfortable.  But we try to settle, attempting to suppress the uneasiness.  We consent to the fear.
It doesn't have to be this way.  Our uncertainty doesn't need to be what shackles our souls.  A pessimist sees the rockiness of the road ahead, fabricating and envisioning countless obstacles.  An optimist imagines what greatness lies ahead, the possibilities of sweet, beautiful life that we have yet to experience or have only had a glimpse or taste of as of now.  Let's look toward the future with expectant hearts, with a vision of what we want our lives to be and what they can look like.  Let our past and fears have no authority over the trajectory of our lives.  Allowing them to do so would be to actively seek the destruction of our hopes and dreams.  We must address and crush our fears with hope.  To move on isn't to not look back, to move on is to look back and see no future behind you.  So we move on, one step at a time, seeing progress as we close in on our hopes and dreams that lie before us,

Invest it all

At the end of 2008, Elon Musk nearly lost both of his companies-- Tesla and Space X.  At the time, he had a difficult choice to make.  The circumstances couldn't have been much worse.  How much was he going to invest?  and which company was he going to invest in?  Fortunately, both companies made it through that difficult time.

"For sure, if I had not invested everything, then there would've been no chance." - Elon Musk

He chose to invest it all.  When we truly, deeply care about something, this is the response that makes the most sense.  Did Elon want things to work out?  Of course.  Was he sure that things would work out?  Definitely not.  He chose to risk everything.  He was scared and it wasn't an easy decision, but he did it.  He believed that it was possible for everything to work out.  It did.  His other option was to give up and settle.  This wasn't an option for Elon.  There is no satisfaction in giving up.  There is no closure.  He was willing to fail because he couldn't live with the regret.

So what do we do?  Invest!  Work hard at the things YOU want.  Pursue it.  It's worth every effort.  Don't let thoughts of possible future failures overtake your mind.  Don't let past failures keep you from future endeavors.  Don't dwell on what other people might do, what other people might think, or what other people might expect.  Don't let any of these things hold you down or hold you back.  Like I have said before, great things aren't free.  Great things are fought for.  Fight for what you want, what makes you happy, what you believe in, what stirs your soul.

Overcome

Confused
What's happening here?
Troubled
The present and future grind
Restless
Longing for action
Burdened
This weight I drag
Fear
The unknown approaches

Clarity
Speak truth
Hope
In every shadow, behind every corner
Confidence
One stride at a time
Relief
Stronger together, never alone
Joy
Love and purpose abound

Don't simply pass through

Chance and seemingly random events have led us to where we are. I have no desire to ponder on alternate histories that never were and never will be. We are here now and that's what matters. I don't want to live comfortably in the "known world". I want to break those walls that hold us back. We have those walls, but for what? We are scared to move forward to what may seem like risk, but in the back of our minds we crave to end this complacency. With the little time we have and the great speed of this life, why live in such narrow space when the potential for greater things is on the cusp of existence? Let's end the dormancy of the fantasies in our heads that rattle the cages we've placed around them, longing for liberation and embrace. Let's dare to be vulnerable and pursue these things, or else they may drive us to regret. I think of what I'm giving up to be where I am right now and what I'm willing to give up to be where I want to be. It's worth it because I have already chosen to overcome these borders that threaten to contain my passion. I have eradicated the monsters that guard the edges of the abyss. I go now, a brave explorer, with nothing but my heart for a compass, searching the depths toward the light that beckons me in the distance. When I come critically close, I refuse to draw back, nor will I simply pass through. I will embrace what I pursue wholeheartedly, with everything that I am. There is no other way to live this life. We must push past what holds us back, on toward a more meaningful life that we desire and have been too afraid to submerge ourselves into. Now is the time to do so because the only thing I really fear is that if we don't, what we never pursued will slip back into the cracks of a narrowly avoided history. I don't want to live with those "what-if's". So, sometimes it's necessary to close all of those doors we've walked through incessantly just to finally take that first step in the right direction-- the way we really want to go, but have avoided out of fear.

Great Things Aren't Free

I remember seeing a post that was circulating saying "the greatest things in life are free". I'd say the opposite. The greatest things in life are costly. They require time and effort. This stands true for friends, family, and romantic relationships. It also stands true for careers and any skills you can develop. So work hard for the people and things you care about. Pursue relationships and interests wholeheartedly. It may be taxing, but if it has meaning to you, it's worth every effort.
Even after you attain what you've pursued, it still takes commitment to maintain. This holds true for relationships, careers, or any skill based interest. Don't let these things slip through your fingertips. Continue to pursue what you love and care about, even when you already have it right in front of you.

Now and What Lies Ahead

We try too hard to live up to expectations that we haven't placed ourselves, to strive toward what's put over our heads. There is no gold standard. We're all different. Life isn't cookie cutter. We worry too much about timing and what others have deemed "practical". This life is anything but predictable. When some circumstance puts a twist in your plans, take it in stride. In these moments, we think too much about what "should be" or what's expected of us. But YOU set these expectations. Not someone else. Let's not be afraid to take risks that others wouldn't. Let's not be afraid to live passionately. Let's not be afraid to put our expectations for our lives above other people's expectations for our lives. After all, this is your life. There is no use in being miserable, thinking of "could-have-beens". This life is too short to live with regret. To live in the "now", doesn't mean to forget the future. Living in the "now" means to modify your future, to improve it. You had some idea of what your future may look like, but now the present has altered what that may look like. That's exciting, not a burden. Cease opportunities. Enjoy the unexpected. Cherish today.

Risk and reward

We're all just looking for clarity.  One day we think we have it all figured out, when suddenly all of our plans are swept out in one fell swoop.  The winds shift and now everything is foggy. Do you wait it out, hoping it will eventually clear? Or do you make headway with action and risk? Either way, nothing is certain.

Where are you headed?

There is a motive behind every person's actions. If the two are discordant, the person is being disingenuous. Either they aren't being honest with someone else or they aren't being honest with themselves.
Good intentions don't determine where they'll end up. Only direction can decide one's destination. This is why "I didn't mean to" is never a satisfying excuse. But someone without direction is to be pitied above the rest. Even a disingenuous, ill intentioned person will end up somewhere. But a person without direction will wander with no end in sight, no closure.
If your motives are lucid and well intended, and your actions resonate with them, your direction is already determined. You can bet that you're headed for what you've had your eyes on the whole time.

What keeps you up at night?

What keeps you up at night?

What are we looking for anyway?

What are we looking for anyway?

Just know...

I'm not sure if it's because I'm a little naive or simply full of hope, but I forget that people's intentions aren't always as pure and honest as I think they are. I forget that people don't care as much as I do. But you know, I need to learn that that's okay. Can I care too much? Can I love too deeply? No. I will do so even more in spite of these things. I'll care for you even when you don't care about me. I'll care for you even when you don't care for yourself. I'll love you even though you don't love me. I'll love you even when you don't love yourself.
I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I'm not afraid to expose what's underneath because it's all the same. There is no facade. Because of this, any care and love for me, if ever reciprocated, is genuine. If it's never reciprocated, at least I'll still be me and not someone else. And at least you'll know I cared for and loved you anyway. Don't you forget that: you are cared for and loved.

This longing heart

The inexhaustible endeavor for long-lasting company slips through the fingers like a grasp at the wind. Moments of belonging and comfort turn to emaciating lonesomeness times on end. Bags packed--lighter this time, but pressing forward once more, the search persists. Like a vagrant, there is no settlement, even if desired. Somewhere, something coaxes the disheartening odyssey onward. An anchor holds somewhere in the unseen distance. It's like a reeling spool tethered to this longing heart. That glimmering tug of hope keeps the pursuit alive. One day the journey will end and then: beginning...