We are the dreamers

It's been over a year since I last posted on here. I find it interesting how sometimes the day to day can feel so similar, and yet, as I look back year to year, I see so much change. It's probably a blessing that things progress this way. We'd all be shell-shocked if everything always changed so drastically overnight.

I seem to be dreaming more lately. In general, it's not something I do much of at night. Sometimes my dreams seem meaningful, and other times for the life of me I can't fathom why I dreamed the things I did. Why do people we know pop up in our dreams when we're not thinking of them while awake? Should we reach out to or pray for those we dream about? Is there always symbolism in our dreams? 

As I look back at where I've been and the decisions and non-decisions I've made, I see some sort of correlation. Sometimes my actions feel deliberate and God is nodding in agreement. Other times, I make decisions not knowing exactly where I'm headed and the outcome really feels like God orchestrated the whole thing. It feels like we're co-pilots and I sometimes let go of the controls. Sometimes it feels like I'm calling the shots, but oftentimes it feels like I'm just along for the ride. When I think about how God (from the very beginning) has always called Man to partner with him, the co-pilot analogy starts to make sense. 

Lately, the simple phrase "You are for me" has resonated with me. It's a biblical truth. God doesn't desire for us to be miserable, unproductive, and purposeless. Moreover, God actually wants the best for us. Jesus showed us his commitment to this.

Oxen plow hard soil together; they work through the mud. That's difficult work, but they're stronger together. One ox can pull 5,000 lbs, but two oxen can pull 15,000 lbs. God's yoke really is easy. He really is alongside us the entire way. When we choose to partner alongside God, we start to see our potential. Looking back at times where I maybe lived with God but didn't partner with him... those aren't times I want to revisit. It's clear to me that God inserts and magnifies opportunity and purpose. 

I pray that I never forget that purpose is found in God. I pray that I seize opportunities to bring about love, wholeness, justice, creativity, and peace in this world. I pray that I won't just dream while asleep, but dare to dream big every day, trekking towards all these things I pray for, knowing that God will place opportunities as I steward well what He has provided to me.

A work in progress

I've been looking back at all my past drafts that I never posted on this blog. They're still sitting there-- distant memories of anger I don't have anymore, poignant thoughts I don't remember having, poetry that must have wrote itself, and past heartache that doesn't seem so bad nowadays. I'm reminded of how life can change quickly and often. The significant can become inconsequential and the unknown can become unforgettable. I seek comfort in knowing that my pain will diminish over time and that God will continue to make all things new.

I'm doing my best to remember that (fortunately) God is not like us. In God, we find purity of thought and action, unending pursuit and love, and abiding clarity and comfort. The Scriptures say that Christ shares abundantly in our suffering and in our comfort.

I try not to make much of my situation when I see all of the suffering in the world-- loved ones fighting to stay alive and countries being torn apart. However, letting go of a part of yourself is never easy.

I hope that I can remember the joy I've experienced with fondness and not longing. I pray I can feel gratitude and not regret. I look forward to the day where I can look back at the past again and find this pain to feel unfamiliar. 

May His voice speak louder than the echoes of the past.

"Before I took a breath, You knew me

You called me by my name

And even when I'm at my darkest

You know me all the same

And every hair on my head You've numbered

And every thought within

And even when I cannot see You

I feel You closer than my skin

And in my darkest dreams, they find me

My failures haunt me in the night

A broken image of creation

Twisting, turning, hiding from the light

And then, I heard a voice so clear

Like deep calling, deep, and I could hear

I felt Your spirit drawing near

Breathing life in me, destroying every fear

My spirit woke with a hopeful plea

Each fighting breath resonating in me

You broke the chains to set me free

You gave me a song to lift my eyes and see

Lift up your head (You won't let me go)

Lift your head, 'cause help has come

Lift up your heart (You won't let me go)

Lift your heart, His will be done

Lift up your hands (You won't let me go)

Lift your hands and praise the One

Lift up your song (You won't let me go)

Lift your song, o ransomed son!

Before I took a breath, You knew me

You called me by my name

And even when I'm at my darkest

You know me all the same" - Even When I'm at My Darkest by Ascend the Hill

Hope in pain and suffering

I've heard this my whole life: "why does God allow pain and suffering?" It's a question we all struggle with. I think I've finally come to an answer: the Gospel is the only thing that gives pain and suffering any meaning. Without Jesus, all our pain and suffering is meaningless. It would just be a cruel, dark world with no hope. Jesus gives me hope. Jesus shares in my suffering. I am not alone in my struggle. Jesus has overcome and he will be there through my pain and suffering. I am grateful for a loving God who turns His face to me. Praise be to Him who has seen me in my pain and suffering.

As I am finishing writing this, I realize that this is also the psalmist's words in Psalm 116.

Jesus comfort my soul

Sometimes I question who I really am. But maybe I have it all backwards. Maybe I should have been questioning and sizing up others all along, questioning their intentions and what makes them who they really are. I've always thought that  I was great at understanding people. Maybe I've just fabricated false perceptions. I try to be so positive. I try to see the good in people. I bet the opposite is true for a lot of people. People that've been hurt want to size up others and decide if this new person could hurt them like the one before.

I don't want to become a cynic. I know I'm very vulnerable and that I open up to others. I truly believe in being authentic and truthful at all costs. It's a great, liberating feeling not having to hide who I am and what I do, not having to lie. I've done those things before, and it's not the lifestyle for me. It's a miserable feeling, no matter if you're hiding something good or not, or if your lying seems right or not (it never is).

I think it's possible for me to see the brokenness in others and still not cast them aside or hate them. Jesus didn't. I'm not Jesus, but I can try to do the same.

This life is so full of pain. Distrusting people and pushing them away is no solution to any problem. Although, sometimes I really want to go that direction. What scares me is that it is not possible to truly love others and not open up yourself to pain. It's a beautiful thing until the pain comes. But then what? How do I not shut down and close myself off when my vulnerability seemingly backfires? Sometimes I don't know the answer to that. How do I keep from becoming bitter when others hurt me for no apparent reason? Sometimes I don't know the answer to that either.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm not a bitter cynic who has given up on others when they've failed me so many times.

I'm trying to think of a proper answer and Charlie Hall's song "Mystery" has the only words that make sense to me right now. Jesus is my sanity and clarity. That's it.
The only reason I stay sane, the only reason my life has any clarity is because of Jesus. Nothing else resonates with my soul. Nothing.

Kicking (my) selfishness to the curb

Us humans are selfish creatures, of which I am the foremost. We put ourselves first and then others. It makes sense though. Right? Look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. Me first and then maybe I'll have time to care for others. When we actually do want to care for others, we only do so if it's convenient. Moreover, we seem to only do it when we feel that we will GET something out of it. We've engrained this idea of give and receive into our minds. But caring for someone, loving someone, doesn't mean they are obligated to reciprocate it. That would be ideal, but it's definitely not always the case.

It seems like I always read things that say stuff like "if they don't have time for me, then I don't have time for them" or "cut off the people in your life that aren't doing anything for you." I'm not so sure that we understand what these things mean, or what they truly say about ourselves. Yes, get out of unhealthy and abusive relationships. But don't jump ship when things get difficult. Don't give up on people just because they don't meet your expectations or the arbitrary standards you've made up for them.

Last night, I watched a movie that I think could deter anyone from being a liar. In the movie, the guy's lies catch up to him and ultimately destroy the life he knew. I think a lot of us are relatively honest with others, especially when it is convenient and beneficial to ourselves. What's scary is that I think a lot of us aren't truly honest with ourselves. We try to be "strong people" by telling ourselves that we don't need each other. That's a lie. We need each other. Life can't be sustained by oneself. No one is self sufficient. Instead of pushing people away when things get tough (something we ALL do), we have to work through the dirt and the grime. Relationships are clearly more valuable and meaningful to us when we do that. Value and effort are beautifully intertwined. Like I've said repeatedly: "great things are costly." They cost time and energy.

I think it's possible that we are so caught up in ourselves (especially me) that we don't have an inkling about how much we mean to each other. What a paradox.

I vow to put every effort into the meaningful relationships in my life. I vow to not give up on the people I love even when things get difficult, even when they don't love me back. I vow to put every effort into putting others first. This especially includes understanding their situation and feelings, instead of primarily thinking about my own. I will falter at times, but I will fight for the ones I love.

How dialogue begins: a deeper issue

I'm progressively becoming more bored of social media. It's all clickbait, ads, and countless posts and reposts of the same content. I think it's a testament; social media will never replace quality time with friends and family. As I've talked about before, I'm huge on community and seeing and having meaning and purpose in everything. The value of these things are lost in our simultaneous connection to social media and disconnection from our social environments. There have been videos that have gone viral telling viewers to reconnect with those around them. I believe that these videos have been largely unsuccessful. We like to herald on social media that we all need to start dialogues on certain hot button issues. This isn't happening. The only talk that I've heard has been heated and volatile, and mostly over the internet. Unhealthy conversation like I've seen and heard (on the internet and, more importantly, in person) is only furthering the 'us' and 'them' mentality that currently owns our culture. Progress will be seen when neighbors (yeah, the people that live next to you) become more than acquaintances, when Facebook friends become more than part-time friends, and (more seriously) when our time with the people we claim to love becomes more valuable than our own time (which often consists of social media and electronic communication). So, before we even start these "hot button issue dialogues", we need to start investing time in those around us. This has to be accomplished face-to-face in the same place, not cyberspace (pretty good rhyme, huh?). This especially includes time with those that we claim to love, but do a terrible job at showing love toward.

Snape's Anguish

The anguish Snape felt had to have been unbearable. The woman he loved went on to marry someone that he thought wasn't good enough for her, someone that took the place where he should've been. When she was killed, the thoughts started that would haunt him for the rest of his life: "I could've protected her",  "if only I had been there", "If only she had chosen me." He dedicated his life to her and her memory after her death. He was constantly reminded of her choosing James over himself by looking and hearing about Harry every day for the rest of his life. His anger and frustration was hard for him to hide at times because of the constant pain. Even after decades and many years after her death, the mere thought of her is the single thing that brought him any sort of happiness. Oh the pain of imagining "what could have been" for a lifetime! To see her eyes in Harry must have been cruel bliss as he took his final breath. He saw Harry's eyes look at him saying "I was wrong about you all along. I'm sorry things weren't different between us. If I could go back, things would be different." He must have imagined her looking at him like that-- a look he had desired his entire life. And yet, it was a look that came too late and wasn't truly hers.